It seemed that Scaramucci could turn this thing around, until late that night when it was revealed that the White House’s savior was getting a divorce.
Less than two weeks ago, few people in the media or even in suburban America had ever uttered the name Anthony Scaramucci. The newly appointed White House Communications Director gave America eleven very entertaining days. Consider this article a comprehensive guide to those eleven days and a tribute to the legacy of the man, who somehow managed to acquire more media attention than Donald Trump.
JULY 21st, 2017
It all began on July 21st, when the Mooch blessed America with a “smooch” of epic proportions as he closed his very first on-camera briefing. Merely an hour later, Sean Spicer, overwhelmed by the presence of the Mooch, resigned as Press Secretary. In his eyes, hiring Scaramucci was a “major mistake,” and Mr. Spicer, thus, felt obligated to step down. He was quickly forgotten. By the end of the day, Sarah Huckabee Sanders was Press Secretary. The White House was rapidly becoming Anthony Scaramucci’s playground.
A gif of the smooch: http://uproxx.files.wordpress.com/2017/07/scaramucci-kiss.gif?w=650
JULY 22nd, 2017
Scaramucci’s second day of exceptional service to his country began with a declaration of loyalty to his new boss and his agenda. Additionally, Scaramucci did something President Trump should have done long ago: he deleted his old tweets.
JULY 23rd, 2017
By the third day of his tenure, many people began to view the Mooch as more than just a charming new face in the White House; somewhat remarkably, he seemed competent. In an interview with Jake Tapper of CNN, Scaramucci declared that the Trump administration had a “communications problem” and that he was on a quest to save it. The media began to promote the idea that this dysfunctional White House was not worthy of the calm, level-headed genius that was masked as its communications director. They had no idea.
JULY 24th, 2017
In his first event as communications director, Scaramucci accompanied President Trump to the National Boy Scout Jamboree. In just a few short days, we had grown to love and admire the Mooch. As he faithfully stood by while his boss gave a train wreck of a speech, a thought crossed our minds. Maybe Anthony Scaramucci could not change the White House’s broken message. Regardless, his loyalty was remarkable. News later broke that Scaramucci’s wife had given birth to their second child during that speech. It was clear we didn’t deserve the man who would willingly miss his child’s birth to serve his country.
JULY 25th, 2017
Fresh off the euphoria of having a second child, Scaramucci declared he was “going to fire everybody,” to solve the latest set of White House leaks. This bold proclamation proved that the Mooch would go to great lengths to save the White House. Indeed, his patience for foolishness was so short that he axed assistant press secretary Michael Short that very same day. Mr. Scaramucci was becoming the hero we so desperately needed.
JULY 26th, 2017
While President Trump was busy banning transgender individuals from the military, our hero ignited a feud with then-Chief of Staff, Reince Priebus. By tagging Mr. Priebus in a now-deleted tweet asking the FBI and DOJ to investigate White House leaks, Scaramucci began the feud that could save or destroy the White House.
JULY 27th, 2017
Everything changed on the 27th of July. In a briefing with the press, Scaramucci likened his relationship with Mr. Priebus to the biblical brothers Cain and Abel (In the Book of Genesis, Cain kills his brother Abel). This dark turn in the Mooch’s quest to save the White House was not the worst of the day. Shortly after, The New Yorker released comments Scaramucci made about Priebus: “Reince is a [expletive] paranoid schizophrenic, a paranoiac” and also Steve Bannon:“I’m not trying to suck my own [expletive]). Despite this, many of the President’s supporters continued to cling to the hope that Scaramucci would still be able to save the Trump administration from itself.
JULY 28th, 2017
After GOP Senators had failed to pass a healthcare bill, Mr. Scaramucci successfully advised President Trump to fire Reince Priebus. After all, the Mooch was Cain, and Mr. Priebus was Abel. Additionally, President Trump reportedly praised the vulgar comments the Mooch made to The New Yorker. It seemed that Scaramucci could turn this thing around, until late that night when it was revealed that the White House’s savior was getting a divorce. He would use the next two days to solve this personal issue; but from then on, it appeared he was distracted from his mission to save America.
JULY 31st, 2017
General Kelly was sworn in as Priebus’s replacement as chief of staff. Unfortunately for Mr. Scaramucci, this would be a death sentence. One source says the Mooch told General Kelly he didn’t report to him. Mr. Kelly responded, saying something along the lines of, “You’re gone.” And now he is. The Mooch’s mission to save the White House was over. Clearly, we didn’t deserve this valiant hero. He missed the birth of his child and lost his wife due to his undying desire to serve his country. As I write about this devastating end to our remarkable hero’s journey, I am reminded of a tweet he made near the beginning of his thunderous eleven days:
He was right. It never got old.